Don’t Choke: The Subconscious Doesn’t Register Negatives

(or) Gibran, Hurley and DeVito Share a Secret that Pujols, Gore and Jeter Never Learned

If a woman says to a man, “I love it when you put the seat down,” he’ll remember seat down and likely comply. If she tells him, “Don’t leave the seat up,” she might as well mail the check for couples therapy.

Words are powerful, which is why I choose the ones I use–both with others and to myself–so carefully. As a writer and a literary agent, I communicate with words in my books, articles, proposals, emails and even text messages without the benefit of non-verbal cues. In sensitive situations, I’ll send an email to my own account to see how it reads before sending it. If I’m working with an author to present a point to a publisher, I’ll send the email to the author first for feedback.

Fortunately I did just that for my friend and client, Hajjar Gibran, author of the The Return of the Prophet. His response to my email was, “I made a few minor changes and deleted the part about not wanting to sour our relationship, because the subconscious doesn’t register negatives. Like if I say: don’t think about Lao-tzu [his dog].”

Of course, all I could think about was Lao-tzu!

I started thinking about this concept and remembered that the oldest trick in the book in sports is right before a pressure-packed moment like a field goal, a free throw, or a clutch putt (think Danny Noonan in Caddyshack), you say to your opponent, “Don’t choke.”

What else could they possibly think about after you say that? You certainly wouldn’t say, “Don’t visualize the ball going in.” Along those lines, you hear coaches say things—precisely at the times they are trying to get their teams to focus—such as, “We can’t look ahead to the playoffs” or “It’s not going to do us any good to complain about the officials.” By giving attention to those ideas, isn’t that exactly what they are doing?

Think about what the effective coaches (like Hall of Fame high school basketball coach Bob Hurley) say. “Take one game at a time. Give 100 percent effort. Focus on this play.” The words don’t, not, and stop do not enter their consciousness so they’re not part of their dialogue. If they want their players in the now, why tell them not to be in the future?

When Al Gore was questioned by Congress about his financial interests in his environmental work, he got all riled up and declared: “If you think this is about GREED!” I may be misquoting him because the only word I remembered was greed. In the midst of his negotiations with the Yankees, I was shocked that Derek Jeter, perhaps the smartest personal brand manager going, made a similar denial about greed. Not to be outdone, Albert Pujols, in the midst of his contract negotiations with the St. Louis Cardinals, said of the fans: “If they want to call me greedy, they don’t know who I am.”

If I tell you, “I’m not saying you’re an idiot but…” it’s unlikely you’ll hear anything after the word idiot. In my last column about my disdain for plastic water bottles, I wrote a preamble that said: “It’s much more my style to highlight the positive and offer choices without pointing fingers.” You could be sure that I was going to be pointing figures. I put a lot of thought into that column, and even though I sandwiched my inciting rant between more loving words, my very intent was for the outrage to register. It’s like a lawyer who makes a comment, knowing that it will be stricken from the record. But once a thought enters the subconscious, there’s no striking it from the record.

Words lead to thoughts. Thoughts lead to feelings and ideas. And feelings and ideas lead to success or failure, suffering or bliss. Which one starts with the words you choose. There’s a massive difference between, “I’m not going to be miserable any longer,” and “I’m going to be happy.” There’s an even bigger difference when you say, “I am happy.” About six months ago, while struggling through an ab workout, I said to my friend, “I have a weak core.” But I immediately caught myself and said, “No. My core is getting stronger.” And in six months I’ve gone from 48 consecutive push-ups to 90.

Good teachers embed your subconscious with words that enable success. They offer wisdom on what to do—instead of what not to do. “Breathe. Focus. Visualize success.” In the film Swingers, Vince Vaughn’s character kept telling Jon Favreau’s character how “money” he was. “You’re like a big bear with fangs and claws,” he said. Imagine the impact he would have made if instead he had said, “You’re not a little wimp. You’re not a loser.”

Great teachers, like Hajjar, take it to the next level by showing us how to talk to ourselves. Since Vince Vaughn can’t be in your ear every moment, you have to tell yourself how money you are and consciously choose your internal dialogue. Before an important event, instead of re-assuring yourself that things will not go wrong, use words that will match the outcome you desire. “I’m going to nail it,” or “I’m so passionate they’ll be throwing money at me.” I’ll leave you with a personal favorite, one that my friends and I have been saying to each other since the film Twins came out in 1988, “Tonight is your night, bro.”

And the beat goes on…

1. The best example of this is Mother Teresa, who said: “I was once asked why I don’t participate in anti-war demonstrations. I said that I will never do that, but as soon as you have a pro-peace rally, I’ll be there.”

3. In my screenwriting group, the guy who said, “I don’t mean to be defensive, but…” spent most of his time defending.

4. In the book I’m working on, I almost wrote, “needless to say,” but then realized if I was going to label it needless, I need not write it.

5.  I nearly wrote to a business contact, “I don’t want to quibble with you over a few dollars but…” Then I realized that by writing quibble, I was, indeed, quibbling. Instead, I wrote what I wanted, which was to continue building our relationship, and I got the perfect outcome.

6. I was doing hot yoga, and the teacher–an effort to keep us focused–said several times, “Forget about the person next to you.” Of course I wasn’t thinking about the person next to me–until he said that!

Who Knew Eddie Murphy was a Prophet about Clothes?

(or) Pick Your Preference: Value or Perfection

In the film 48 Hours (1982), Nick Nolte’s character says to Eddie Murphy’s character, “Class isn’t something you buy. Look at you, you have a $500 suit on and you’re still a low life.”

Murphy’s character replies, “Yeah but I look good.”

It’s the biggest night of your life. Perhaps you will be marrying your soul mate, receiving your first Academy Award, or watching your child receive the Nobel Prize. Just visualize the occasion and go with it. You’ve laboriously crunched the numbers and decided that $1,000 is the most you can spend on your dress/suit.

You try on an outfit that is beyond your wildest dreams. It’s the absolute perfect style, fit, and color, and you’ve never looked better. You couldn’t hire a tailor for ten grand and possibly look this amazing. The retail price is $1,200 but since it’s 25 percent off, it will only cost $900 (this is a fantasy so we can forget about sales tax). Just as you’re about to pay, gloating that you got the perfect outfit below your budget, your friend brings you another one.

You try it on, and it looks great. Had you not seen the other one, you would have been happy with it. Its only flaw is that it’s simply one notch below the first one. The retail price is $2,000 but since it’s 75 percent off, it will only cost $500. That’s a $1,500 savings!

To summarize, it’s the biggest night of your life. Your budget is $1,000 and your choices are:

• $1,200 outfit for $900 that you absolutely worship.
• $2,000 outfit for $500 that you like.

Which one would you buy?

The answer to this question will give you an idea of how much importance you put on perfect fit/getting exactly what you want versus getting a bargain/finding value.

The questions you ask will say a lot about the process by which you make decisions. From the economic such as: What else can you do with the savings (and how much did you budget for shoes or a tie)? Isn’t the retail price just an arbitrary number anyway? And, will there be an occasion to wear it again? Then there’s the spiritual: Am I losing focus on the event by focusing on my clothes? Or just as relevant: will how I look impact how I feel and act?

The weakness of this exercise is that it may reveal more about how we feel about clothes than the more important question about perfection versus value. You’ll find most people get more emotional about a house, a car, a puppy, or even a flat screen TV than clothing. That’s why it will help to modify the example and change the scenario depending on the audience. Ask your friends and family. Ask your co-workers. Especially ask couples in order to gauge the impact of gender.

When I did this exercise with a married couple, Frank and Carrie, Carrie said she’d buy the first one for $900. I asked her what she would do if it wasn’t on sale and she had to pay $1,200. She said, “If you can afford $1,000, you can find another $200.” Frank responded, a bit irked I might add, “But where are you going to get the money?” And I thought, what’s the point, as I stated of having “laboriously crunched the numbers” if you’re not going to honor your budget?

There’s no right or wrong answer. It’s an exercise to gain awareness about yourself and others. Its purpose is to make you better prepared when real life examples come up that mirror this situation–from buying a company to going on vacation to deciding where to go for dinner.

If I was buying the outfit, the choice would have been an easy one—until about a year ago. Our identity is often revealed in our answer. I’ve always viewed myself as a value buyer. I pride myself on my ability not to get emotional and make the most pragmatic choice. I’d go for the better deal and congratulate myself for getting what I wanted and being $500 under my budget.

We can talk ourselves into anything, and our inner dialogue is critical to how we view our experiences. My values have shifted, and if this happened today, I would reason with myself that the most important thing is to get what I want. I still remember, as a kid, shopping with my mom at a discount store like Syms or Marshalls when she’d find an item on clearance. “But mom,” I’d plead. “It has a stain on it.” Her eyes would light up and she’s day, “Even better! We’ll get them to knock off another five bucks.”

I’ve evolved to believe that it’s only a great value if I love it. So for this scenario, since I love the first suit and I’m still below my budget, no other “deal” is relevant. In theory, I’d have peace of mind passing up the $2,000 suit even it cost $1. I would so with the awareness that I wouldn’t be making the “pragmatic” choice and that perhaps I have swung the pendulum too far. But like Eddie Murphy in 48 Hours, I could look in the mirror and say with a bold smile, “Yeah but I look good.”